Making Sense
by takingabreakfornow
Summary: Rin has isolated herself for months, and her sister decided to try to get her out by giving her a friend. But it's gonna take a while for her to even touch the doorknob to the outside world. She's not gonna be cooperative though, as she's not that keen on being with just anyone.
1. Chapter 1

**New story...?**

I'm pretty bored right now.

...

Maybe I'm tired, but a forced nap won't last that long. I need to pass the time.

...

I fixed my bow for maybe the thousandth time before letting my hands fall limply. I should go outside. Do something useful maybe?

So I walked, out the bedroom, to the front door. Going outside would cause problems however. A lot of them.

What would be good? What WOULD be good? Maybe that...or...nothing. There is nothing good out of going out the front door.

Hm.

I heard the door open and squeaked, running to the closest room. The kitchen.

"Um...hello?" I heard a male voice. Why is someone here? How is someone here? Only Neru could get in, but at least she knocked! And I'm pretty sure she has a higher voice! The footsteps were gradually growing louder and louder and I struggled to find a hiding place.

I just slid down to the floor and curled up in a ball. The door opened.

My eyes automatically closed as I heard him walking dangerously close. "Hey...?" He touched my cheek and I tensed. I felt myself heat up immensely. My eyes opened a crack. I was greeted with soft blue eyes that were similiar to mine, as with blonde hair as well. His was tied up in a short ponytail however.

"Wh-Who are you?" Great job Rin. I bet he thinks your weird now.

"Len. Len Kagamine. I know Neru." He added the last part quickly.

"..." He could be lying. He might've beat her up, maybe even raped her and all those terrible things.

"Yeah, so, she told me to come over here, because she would have to leave for a month or whatever and didn't want you to be left along and-" He suddenly was talking very fast do it was hard to keep up. Then he stopped short. "But I don't know if you would be fine because you don't know me so, are you ok with it?"

I think what he's trying to ask is, if I'm ok with him staying here.

"No." He's making me really uncomfortable right now. I doubt I could stand EVERY DAY. "Can you leave now?" I asked, feeling a bit of sucess that I didn't stutter, or whatnot.

"But Neru will-"

"No." It was pretty much the only word I could manage to say.

"Rin-"

"No." So he also knows my name. I'm panicking. Oh god. Why isn't he leaving? I could feel myself shaking and tried to still myself. He didn't seem to notice.

"Just for a week! Please! I'll leave!" Neru's violent at times, but I'm pretty sure she isn't that violent. It's like he's gonna get his legs broken if he doesn't do this or something.

I took a shuddering breath and noticed the two suitcases next to the kitchen door. I dragged one to an empty room and dropped it. Then stretched. Len followed a bit after and stared at the room. Then he went to bring his other suitcase. "I have to work at five to six in the evening. Is that ok with you?" As if I care.

"...W-Whole week?"

"Well...I'm off at Saturdays."

I nodded. One whole day to deal with him. Ok.

I zoned out while he explained some more things, and headed to my room when he seemed satisfied enough. I should call and ask Neru later if she knows him.

Wait it's Saturday right now?

...That's great.

That sister of mine better get me double the oranges when she comes back for the rest of the week.

I laid on my bed and tried to relax. Even IF Neru was supporting me, she really wasn't my mom. Cause that'd be pretty messed up anyway.

I saw Len appear and shrieked. His FACE. SO CLOSE. WHY IS IT SO DAMN CLOSE. I felt myself heat up and he frowned at my reaction. "Uh, Rin? Are you alright?" I swat his hand and tried to calm myself down. I can't get over being with people this close. I really can't.

"Y-Yeah...get out of my room." Suddenly breathing was hard to do.

"...Ok?" He seemed puzzled, and left.

I immediantly pounced on the phone and dialed Neru, trying to calm myself. Take deep breaths...

"Hey Rin!" She sounded pretty cheerful.

"Why the hell did you make a guy LIVE with me?" I screamed into the stupid shining black phone.

"Oh yeah! Well you need to talk to someone other than me!" She laughed.

"I hate you." I hissed and hung up.

I bet she doesn't like me anymore. She thinks I'm too short tempered. I need him to leave though...

...How am I gonna live with him?

I felt utterly helpless, as if I was trapped in a ring of fire. I can do this...

What if I faint?

I listened to my heartbeat, it was drumming through my ears. My mind kept flicking back to what I said before. He must hate me now. I made a bad impression.

_Geez do I really have to live with such a bitch? I can't believe Neru set me up with this._

No no no... I'm not ready for this... Why doyou have to do this to me. It's too early.

"Rin? Come eat!" Len called. I must've slept for a couple of hours. Just wasted a couple of hours of my life...

He's still here.

I stared at the folds on the white blanket. I gulped and decided that I WILL go get dinner.

Yeah...

My body rejected the offer though, finding it much more better to just stay still.

"Rin? I'm coming up!" I gasped and stood up. I quickly dashed to the mirror, seeing my face slightly red and hair sticking out everywhere. I can't let him see me. He'll think I look ugly and- "Rin? Uh...Hey?" The worry plastered on his face made me doubt him even more. It could as easily be fake, uncaring. I didn't want that. I didn't need someone to lie to me just for me to 'feel important'. I don't want to feel important. You get standards you have to live by to impress everyone.

Standards that eventually grow, and then you'll be wondering why you had to do this. You'll get sick and tired and just feel worthless. I took a deep breath that didn't seem to give me as much air as it should.

I shuddered and bit my lip. Is he angry? How should I answer? What do I do?

"Rin are you ok...?" He went to hug me which honestly felt so damn uncomfortable. I felt incredibly hot and I was shaking. Do I smell? Am I sweaty and gross? Does he want me to hug back? He pet my hair. Is it oily? Do you not like it tangled?

He tugged my hand I felt my palm immediantly sweaty. Damnit, that's bad. Is he ok with it being sweaty? He must think I'm gross! "Calm down Rin, I'm not gonna kill you." A hint of amusement was in his gentle yet stern voice.

He thinks this is...funny? I felt myself blush even more, embarrassed by my reaction. He must think I react too much. Too emotional. Think I'm a joke.

...

I stared down and tried to ease my lightheadedness. Just a few more minutes...

I scarfed down the food and put it in the sink, trying not to look too weird, and rushed upstairs.

I'm gonna get fat soon.

I don't even exercise.

Even if I'm still thin, I'm probably not gonna be so much anymore.

...Yeah...

I decided to pump my legs. But won't it make noise? Will he not like it? I can't do anything with him!

Take a deep breath...

You... can do this Rin... one week...

**This is a really weird story. So...**

** Rin kinda has some things wrong her, as you can see. Uh...**


	2. Chapter 2

**This story is kinda easier to write then my other one.**

Today he was at work.

...well until six.

I groaned at the knowledge that he was going to be back. I should sleep super early from now on. The possibility of him coming into my room... Or calling me...

At least he would come later then six. I think his work ends at six... Or does he come back at six?

I walked downstairs and saw some omelette on the pan and a note.

'I made some extra for you Rin. Heat it up for about forty seconds and eat it. Smiley face.'

I know who it is so I didn't really think about who it might've been. Did he really want me to eat it? This note doesn't give me any indication of whether he was genuine or not. I stared at it. Should I reply about it? Make a note of thanks? What do I do?

I decided to leave the note alone and just enjoy the meal, following the directions. After I was finished, I walked up to my room, finding nothing to do downstairs.

I stared at the computer by me and decided to use it.

Nowadays I struggle to find things to do. I usually skim around, read some comics, fanfiction, look at pictures, play some games... There hasn't been anything that caught my interest that much.

Maybe I should find a new comic. But I'm so picky it's really hard. Groaning, I stretched and decided I needed to do something other than absolutely nothing.

I sighed. Maybe I'll watch some TV. Is there anything even on...?

I always think when I look at the TV. What do people my age watch? I have no clue. So I watched some cartoons.

Like a little kid.

You're like a little kid Rin. Whiny and obnoxious. Are you sure you're a teenager?

Shut up...

"Hey Rin. Did you have lunch?" I jumped and my head whipped to Len. H-How long did I waste my time on the TV?

I shook my head, feeling a blush start and got trouble breathing and all that stuff that keeps happening. I call this anxiety. Or maybe it's normal. And I'm overreacting.

So anxiety started and I blinked, mouth opening to say something, but nothing came out. "I'm guessing not. I'll make some dinner for us now." He must think I'm stupid because I was just looking at him, gaping.

"O-ok." Stop talking. You're being stupid Rin.

He smiled. "Want anything Rin?"

...What did he say? He asked if I wanted anything right? I don't even know...would he not like what I want? "You c-can pick..." Stop stuttering Rin.

"Oh ok." He went in the kitchen. I need to leave. But I can't move, I'm paralyzed. What if he hears? And talks to me? I don't want him to talk to me. I take a deep breath and...can't move still.

...

I gaze at his calm smile while he works. Isn't he nervous? How does he even talk to people? How can he go out? Do people talk about him? How does he stand that?

I shake my head and decide the best thing I'm capable to do is watch TV. The endless stream of colors...

"Rin, come eat." I stood up, and turned at his voice. It was a bit of a light request. My legs twitched, as if briefly considering the idea of going to him.

Why am I going? To...to... I can't even think...

"Haha...do I have to bring you?" He gripped my hand gently and smiled. He must think I'm useless. I am. I'm just useless. I can't even go to the table. What's wrong with me? He pulled out a chair and I sat.

I looked at the pasta.

I liked pasta. It tasted nice. Not as good as oranges though. They're the best. The sweet and tangy taste in them... was just perfect.

Neru probably told him what I liked. Is he trying to impress me? He was getting me to like him, so Neru won't go after him? I don't need another fake friend. I've had plenty already.

I nibbled it and stole a glance at Len, who was dining quietly. Should I do that too? Does he want me to speak to him?

I tried not to eat messily, frequently checking if I had tomatoe sauce on my face or something.

I didn't want to ask him. I was kinda...afraid to.

"You have some sauce on you're face. How cute." He chuckled. I immediantly gripped the napkin and rubbed fiercely under my lips. "No no, right here." He took ahold of the napkin and I sucked in some air. Then moved away, I tripped but caught myself, and ran upstairs. At least I finished somewhat half of the food.

Calm down Rin...

...

I took notice of the stain, thanks to the mirror. Then went to my bathroom to wash my face. I'm not a slob. Please...

_She won't even let me get near her? Why can't I? I just wanted to help..._

Don't get near me...

I heard some knocks. "Rin? Are you ok Rin?" He's worried. Again. The voice that showed emotions that probably aren't even real.

Stop it...

Why does he need to do this...? I hate this. He's making me feel terrible. He needs to get out. I can't handle a whole week...

Oh god...how will I handle a whole week? No. I'll be asleep by the time he comes back. Then it will be fine. Today was just a mistake. I watched TV too long. I can handle this. But right now...?

I don't know. How should I react with him. Does he want me to confess my deepest secrets or something? He's not my mental doctor.

What were they called again...?

I don't know...

**Mirimo27: Reviews motivate me YEAH! And I guess I see Len as more gentle or something haha. You can see more of both his character as hers here too.**

**Blaze Takishima: I was trying to make her act like that. It worked right?**

**My stories have the weirdest names. Lol.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Oh man. I made her have a fever.**

...Tuesday huh.

...No really.

That's sad. I wish it would already be a week already.

But it's not...

I stretched and sighed. So...

Why was I was up right now? Maybe I wasn't that sleepy.

...I heard the faint noise of the shower.

Oh.

And my body was feeling unbearably hot. I held my head. I don't want to go out...

But...

So I laid there for a while. And decided to text Neru.

'Im sick. What do I do?'

I waited for a bit for the text but received a phone call instead.

"Why are you awake during this time?" She sounded muffled through the phone.

"Fever." I answered shortly. I thought she could have guessed...?

"Len is there for a reason..." She sighed. I hung up and gritted my teeth.

Len Len Len... I don't think he wants me to bother him. He needs to get ready for work and all and I would make him late...

And I can't even get myself to go out.

I walked to the door. Ok. Follow Neru... I don't want her to not bring my oranges... Or have her irritated at me...

I unlocked the door and stopped. The hesitation eventually got me back to bed, though.

Man it's so hot...how am I gonna sleep? I concentrated on the wall next to me...

The door clicking brought me waking up again. Len got in?

...Oh. Yeah. I unlocked the door after all.

I could feel a warm hand on my head, and tensed. I felt like I was going to get some burns, and shivered.

"Rin... You should take care of yourself more..." He mumbled. Then paused. "I know you're awake. Open your eyes." He ordered. What if I didn't? Would he get angry?

So I did as he asked, and his hand trailed to my forehead, eyes locked with mine. Neru probably told him...does she not trust me? I can take care of myself...

"How do you feel?" He asked. He doesn't actually care does he?

I'm pretty sure all the doctors and nurses don't care about you're problems. Also a psychiatrist. You would tell them you're problems...but they probably heard worse. Probably doing it to get paid... Probably are sick and tired of hearing rants.

I didn't want to talk, I didn't have the will to. So I shrugged and stayed quiet about how warm I felt. I shivered. Why did I even shiver? Why do people shiver when they have fevers?

"I'll get some medicine for you, Rin. Just wait." What did he expect me to do? Run off? I'm never going outside...

He thinks I am able outside? I never want to. I never could anyway.

"Here, I have some now." He handed me a pill.

Now I love pills. I'm not an addict, but I just like them... Maybe I like the feeling of swallowing them...? I'm just kinda drawn to it.

I downed it with a glass of water. Len was fixed to the clock. It read four. I wonder when he usually goes to work?

If I ask, would he think I'm nosy? Probably. Because I am nosy. Nosy and selfish.

Take a deep breath Rin... He's gonna leave soon.

"I'll stay here for you if you want." He suggested.

"No! No no!" Stupid stupid...why did I shout that? "I'm f-fine!" I reassured him. He blinked. Stupid stupid stupid stupid... Why'd you stutter? Don't even speak...

"Ok..." He nodded carefully. "I'll go now. Bye Rin." He smiled. "...Umm... Are you sure? I could stay here." He asked again. I nodded and he left.

Ok... Good job Rin.

Great job...you acted like a fool in front of him! Again! What's wrong with you?

Is it my fault? It...probably is..

I groaned and smacked my head. Because of the headache and how stupid I was. This is not gonna be a good day...

Sleeping was the main part of that terrible day, as I couldn't function very well with that annoying headache. I know I should have told Len, but he would've got more 'worried'. Or whatever. How much was that medicine supposed to help anyway?

Lolling around on the bed, and trying to read a book, I jumped at the sound of the front door opening. He must be back...

How easy it must be for him to exit and come back. Or is it not? Or does it take all his strength to leave? To l...live somewhere new, and have to help a selfish girl?

And he's going to come in my room...

I had the urge to just lock the door and sleep, but I'm probably going to have him detest me more, as with Neru. She's gonna give me an earful... Again.

What am I going to do when he comes here?

The dreadful feeing of helplessness appeared and he opened the door to my room. "You feeling better Rin?"

I wanted to pour all my complaints on him, but that might make him think I'm that girl that complains way too much. Oh no. No no no. I'm not that...?

Right...?

I nodded and he seemed to relax more. I must stress him out...

"So what do you wanna eat then? And you feel perfectly fine?" How would I feel perfect? That's never gonna happen...

**I love writing these kinda stories. I don't know how I came up with the other one. I have the feeling not to make this too angsty...?**

**Happiness Sunshine and Gum: Um...yeah. She's kinda paranoid and other things.**

**RPR: Yeah I guess there would be some awkward moments...**

**LunaLapis: She's what makes the story what it is :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**The fireworks just had to make me include them.**

**So...she's shifting to the 'I don't deserve him' phase.**

I'm apparently supposed to be better. No headache. Supposedly.

Does he know I'm lying? He probably does. It's a really see through lie, after all.

...That's sad

I locked the door and just laid on the bed.

But the sudden knowledge that I was wasting time panicked me.

Time is going so fast...so quickly...

And all I'm doing is laying here. Wasting time.

Seconds turned into minutes, and I heard Len fumbling with the door knob. "Did you lock the door? I have your food." He called. I couldn't hear that well, after all, this room is pretty soundproof. Can't hear outside or inside with the door closed very well.

"Leave it by the doorstep." I answered.

"I'm coming in." He told me, as if I wanted him to. As if my actions aren't what I wanTed. For him to stay out. For him to not be inside.

The fading footsteps told me he was gone, and I felt the breath I was holding seep out, and my body relax. But the steps reappeared after a minute.

Was he going in his room? Or...?

His pick pocketing had worked, and he was inside quite quickly. Too fast for me to think or react. He held two plates of dinner, and they looked like they would fall any second from his hands.

Probably would.

He put them on the table and sat there. Then motioned me to come. "I have the food. We can eat here, you know."

I nodded carefully.

"No, really." He pulled me to the floor and I bit the insides of my cheek. "If you don't, I'll make you sit on my lap so you're right next to me at ALL TIMES." Ok. Ok ok. Um...argh...

I don't know...i-is he angry? Or is he...

He burst out into laughter. "A-Are you scare of me?" He managed to get out. Oh. So he's joking...? Or maybe his mood just shifted quickly. O-Or...

"N-No!" Arghhh Rin. It's obvious you lied.

"Aw... Rin. I'm not mad. Don't worry so much!" He chuckled. "Come on, relax."

So he knows I don't want to be touched. Am I...am I that easy to read? Does he think I'm emotional? He does. He DOES.

The meal was silent, tense and awkward. I felt thoughts flood through my mind, now more than ever with how quiet both of us were.

I needed to get them off my mind. They really were unpleasant. I didn't want to disturb him though. No no no. He might ignore me... And I...

I heard a deep boom and jumped.

Oh...

Fireworks...

I heard a few more and was feeling very uncomfortable very very quickly.

The sound of it falling, shooting up, and so close... it was almost scary.

"Hey! Do you wanna see the fireworks!" Someone's excited. I shook my head. "Are you sure? We could look out of a window or something!" I shook my head again. He seemed to really enjoy them.

I could hear my heart beating slightly. Palpitation...? Or not. Most likely not.

Even so, that wasn't fun. It scared me even more. I hate you fireworks.

Th-Then again... It's made for people to enjoy. But... It can also kill people. Or injure them. But often it's for people to be happy. Laugh. Not me, though...

When is it going to stop...? I don't want this sound to be constantly ringing in my ears.

I went on my bed and put some earbuds. I saw his sunny blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, as his eyes were glued to the display of colors outside. Those could cause fires right...? What if a fire happened? A big one?

The faint popping was still there, so I turned up the volume. Maybe if I was deaf it'd be better.

You let you're 'best friend' control you. Honestly, you're too weak! Too weak to break the friendship. Too weak to say no. Too weak to let her ruin your life.

I sat up, and made myself fall. There was a blur and I felt a sore ache on my back. Then I punched the floor repeatedly. Get it out of my mind! I'm the bad guy! She just wanted a friend who considered her a best friend as well! This is YOUR fault!

"Rin? You ok?" Len rushed over and picked me up, laying me on his lap.

Ok. Rin. He's trying to help...? Right? Or not...? He inspected my hands, which had nothing more than a light redness to them. He gave out a breath of relief.

"Goddamnit, you had me worried there for a second Rin! Are you hurt anywhere else?" He asked, voice filled with concern. I shook my head. I don't want him to worry. If he even does.

I searched for the ear buds, hearing the sparks and pops and booms. I need to ignore them... Where are they...? Where are they...!

"What're you listening to? Some podcasts?" He asked, astonished. Maybe he thought I didn't like people speaking in general. "Huh." Wait, he has my ear buds...!

How do I take them back...?

I looked at them hopelessly, as he closed his eyes, concentrating on it. I don't...I can't... How...

**UM**

**Sorry I was busy... I'll get the other story done soon.**

**Roseal: UM. I don't find you rude. Unless you're trying to. And I was kinda like Rin before. Not as extreme...but I pretty much thought as much as her...I think. So...maybe why she's like that? I feel so awkward.**

**Ae123monkey: She wouldn't like that...maybe that will happen, though.**

**Anonymous: You'll find out why she's like that soon...probably. It's not something big though.**

**red258: Um...thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

** Nothing to really say. But I said something right now! So...**

.

.

.

I hope he doesn't sleep. But if he did, I could get the ear buds...

I hear some police sirens... The noise gradually growing loud and alarming.

What's happening outside? Do I want to know? Why do the fireworks keep going. How long are they going to be on for?

I whimpered softly, and saw Len fall on the ground, asleep.

He fell asleep really quickly...

I glanced at the dishes.

_You're so lazy._

_You always stay in that little room of yours._

_Get out more!_

I picked them up, and walked down. The kitchen was quite clean, quite white. But it looked like a stranger's kitchen. Not mine.

I set the dishes in the sink, and headed up. Len was on the floor, with a big lazy smile on his face. Why? No idea. He was awake too.

I went in my bed, careful to not step on him, and just stared at the ceiling. There were also lights that were hurting my eyes right now. So my eyes trailed to the wall next to me. My light blue eyes... "Hey Rin...these guys are pretty funny..." He commented, laying on the hard cold wooden floor. He looked comfortable, apparently. I guess he liked the podcast. " This is makings sleepy..." He slurred.

Why? It's not like a song to make you sleep. It's people laughing and talking. Two people. And I love listening to them.

Now, if I were to talk to people?

No.

I'm not a talker. No way.

Len crawled on my bed and nuzzled the pillow. What...? What is he doing? Why is here?

Don't wake up...don't wake up...

How do I get out? I don't want to be here.

Stuck with that dilemma again huh...

Gotta get used to it. Since it's probably going to happen a few more times.

Aguhhhh...

I just stared at him. Do I go? Not go?

Right now? No? What if he woke up? What should I do?

...Ok.

So I sat there, awkwardly, until I closed my eyes. Pretend he isn't hear... That his light breathing are your own...

Waking up next to him wasn't at all that pleasant. It was still pretty dark out after all. I blinked. When was he supposed to get to work?

I checked the time.

I-It was four!

Ok...was he suppose to be in the car by five...? Or that place where he worked? How far was it?

Do I wake him up?

I have to wake him up! He'll be angry at me if I don't!

"L-Len..." I called shakily.

He groaned and turned.

"Len wake up...!" You have to speak louder Rin.

But, I don't want to... Inching myself farther, I gulped. Wow. Look at me. So scared, toodiscarded to wake him up...

"Hey Rin..." He cupped my cheek and I bumped against the wall, quickly sucking in breath. "What time is it...?"

"F-Four..."

"Hn...ok." He sat up and I saw the earbuds next to him, tangled up and just...sitting there.

I felt a bit giddy right then, and waited impatiently for him to get out of my room.

Then took them and sighed. Podcast was going for whole night... I do that at times though. I put it to charge and decided to sit there. Maybe do something actually productive for once.

I used to be pretty good at sports. But I've been, slacking it off. I better get myself moving, or else it's gonna be terrible. So, so terrible.

I stood up. Did some running. Not really running, just staying in the same place running.

But it was making noise, so I decided to quit it. That's enough. Uh... Yeah. Yes.

Good.

Great.

I stretched, and went on the computer.

"Hey Rin? You still awake?" He called.

"Yeah."

"Ok." Probably is going to make me something. That's just our daily conversations now. Discussing what to eat. Of all the times I've talked to him, I think that's most of the time.

And he's leaving in a few days. Right? So this is basically how our relationship is going to be. Just so...distant.

I remember when I decided to never go out again.

I felt a mix of excitement, relief, and general happiness. Now I'm sure I'm supposed to be feeling different during that moment, but... I guess I was thinking of what would happen.

What would happen is, I don't need to feel paranoid, and can live how I want. K...Kinda.

Before I had friends. You know. Friends. A decent amount, I guess. If that's what you even call friends.

If I chose what would be a friend, I'd only have a few. That's because there's only a few I feel kinda comfortable with. Kinda. After a week or two, Neru was worried. I mean, I go talk to her often, and she always wanted to meet up. Now I rarely accepted those invitations, but I guess she suspected something. No idea how.

And so, I tell her an update of my life casually.

At least she helps me...? Or maybe she's being forced. I don't even know anymore. I don't... want to know. I'm too scared. Too scared to face reality, I'm guessing.

.

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** .**

**DJdarkmoon: Haha! That's a funny twist!(To me it is...at least.) And she's not that interested into going near him. I'm just restraining that kind of drama because...? No idea.**


	6. Chapter 6

**So...I'm feeling really lazy. Uh.**

"Hey, come here Rin!" He called.

He... Probably had the food ready.

I peeked outside, and took a single step out. Then another. Then just walked downstairs.

Hm...

I hugged myself and a smell of egg and onion...along with other vegetables...

I stated at the omelette. They're nice to eat, but honestly, they make my mouth dry and weird afterwards. No idea why. This reminded me of that Sunday...? Time goes by fast...

I twitched as I heard something that resembled a firework. Just one. Why do they have one in the morning? Leftoverd? Len wolfed down his food and glanced at me once in a while. I picked at my food.

How was I supposed to eat in front of him again?

I...forgot.

How was I supposed to eat like? Can I eat sloppily? I-I forgot!

"K-Khhh..." I made some weird choking noise.

"R-Rin? Are you choking or something?" He asked, in a slightly alarmed voice. I shook my head.

I wonder what I look like when I do that. I bet I look weird. I bet it doesn't even look like a 'no'. Because I'm so...

"Ah...ok... Well...I'm going to go now. Bye." He stood up and generously flashed me a smile before leaving.

Ok.

He's gone.

H-He's not going to come back right? For...something he missed or whatever.

Yeah...

I have the day to myself.

I used to take lessons. For violin. But I don't know... It was a bit overwhelming. It didn't help that my cousin hated the noise. I almost burst into tears and just went inside my bed. He didn't notice, of course.

It made me feel down. I was terrible, despite how long I took lessons. It was crushing to me, but I didn't have the heart to quit. I was worried what the teacher might say...what my mom might say...

Just normal rantings right?

I rummaged around and found my violin case...

I bet I still sound terrible.

The others will hear, and complain.

I can't... I shoved it back into one of the boxes and ran upstairs. To my room, and inside the bed. I could hear the phone. And took it. It was Neru.

"H-Hello...?" I mumbled.

"Hey sis. How're you doing?" Neru's light voice made me feel a bit worse. Like a 'why is she happy'? She doesn't know though, I shouldn't get mad...

"Ok..." My throat couldn't say any more than that. Couldn't say how I wanted Len to leave and not leave at the same time. Couldn't say how I didn't want to talk either.

"Ok? That's good I guess...Len treating you well?" Why is she calling this early. T...time difference?

"Ye." I didn't even finish the word. Just ended it like that. I didn't feel like finishing the word.

"Ok. If you need to talk to me, you can! Even if it's in the middle of the night!" A hopeless thing to say. I meant to say something to tell her that I knew already, but I just stayed quiet. "Bye!"

Talking to the most enthusiastic Neru in my life had me wondering. What was she doing? Did she feel better because she didn't have to be with me? Y-Yeah...probably.

I'll lay here...for now...

I thought about how he always worried about me, despite how little he knew about me... I don't deserve this. All I do all day is nothing! I'm worthless! If he does worry about me...I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it I don't deserve it.

I'm barely a friend to anyone... They all hate me...

No no no no.

I searched for the earbuds and put them on. Then put on the podcast.

I listened, but I still... Why do they always look at you? Remember, that time at the beach? You were so stupid...

I turned the labtop on. Put some music on.

It was still there, but faint.

He obviously thought you liked him or something, and joked about it. Don't be so stupid. He thinks you're a little kid. Remember that other time?

...Ok.

...I...I need to turn on the TV.

There isn't even one here. There is one outside though...

Remember when you talked to that other guy? Now it's gone. You ruin all your chances. Because-

Don't be so whiny Rin. Everyone thinks this...? Yeah. Everyone is like this one time in their life. They all cope with this. Some have it for a longer time. Like you.

Funny right? Man. I should shut up.

Shut up Rin.

I stood up and yawned. Naps are my specialty, my hobby. Aha ha ha.

Ha. Ha ha.

I could hear metal clinking, probably Len. I think it's Len...?

"Rin come down!" He called.

Nostalgic.

I stepped downstairs, and glanced at him.

I must have malnutrition by now. I rarely eat lunch. It's been a while.

Why am I so sure of walking down?

I retreated and went next to my bedroom door. I bet he's waiting. Does he think I'm taking too long? Is he annoyed with my behavior?

I could hear him coming up the stairs.

Each step had my panic rising.

"C'mon...I thought we were friends..." He sighed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry... "You know what? I'll bring the food to you. You can eat by yourself." Is he angry? Mad? Unhappy. In a bad mood?

I bet... So.

Food. Sleep. Food sleep. Food computer. Food sleep.

...Haha. This is my life. A bit sad, but relaxing. This is my perfect life.

Well I'm hoping the side effects don't come too fast. I'm not ready to go out. It'd be fine to die in here, though.

Len soon came with the plate, and set it next to me. Meat and rice... I sat as far away as I could, in the corner of my bed.

"G'night Rin." He mumbled and left. I nodded. And sat there. After I was sure he was away, I didn't feel like I had to hold a guard in front of him. It was much better...

Happy happy...happy...

**This story got worse around the end.**

**VocalLilly: Worrying is my middle name. That made no sense to you're comment huh?**

**Hyrule Master: Thank you...QuQ I guess I'm doing this well then...? I don't think so.**

**DJdarkmoon: Do you? :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**I want to have them cuddling but she wouldn't touch her yet and it would seem too earlllyyyyy BUT I hope that's going to be soon.**

He's leaving today.

_Right?_

He is.

Remember?

Y-Yeah... I remember.

It was in particular quite a sunny day. The lights shined on me quite hard, and forced me to open my eyes. When I did, I glanced at the time. Six. Six thirty five. Most of the time the minutes would end in the zero or five, or all same numbers. Weirdly enough. It didn't really matter but I guess it was odd to me. Or I thought about it whenever I saw it. I'm sure I get them often though. Or maybe I'm just forgetting all the uneven numbers.

Walking out, I saw Len sitting on the sofa. Just...just sitting there.

He was staring at his hands. Eyes blank, and staring at his hands, which were on his lap.

Is something wrong with him? Did I do something wrong? Is he tired of me?

I watched him as he glanced at an orange pillow. Then pulled it close to him.

What is he doing...? Thinking? What was the pillow for?

I continued to look at him until he stood up with a smile. Then went inside the kitchen.

...?

It made me so...sad seeing that.

I didn't want to know why he was like that.

He was obviously depressed because of you.

He wanted to be a friend...you let him down...

I shook my head. Going down now... Or not.

Paralyzed again. I felt hopeless. I couldn't walk downstairs! That's so...so stupid. "Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid." I muttered under my breath quickly.

When Len came out with just some toast, he noticed me. "Come down...?" He said.

One step. Two steps. Three steps, four. What would happen if I tripped? What if my head cracked open?

Five steps. Six steps. Seven steps, eight. Would he care? No.

Nine steps. Ten steps. Eleven steps, twelve. I'm here... Already.

I walked to the table, eyes fixated on the ground. It helped, somewhat. Take deep breaths, Rin.

I was pretty much sweating by the time I was sitting next to the table. I hope he didn't notice...

"So Rin...do...do you really want me to leave?" Was this all lie? Was it something Neru made up for me out of pity? I...don't know. I don't know anyone at all...

"Whatever." I choked. "...You w-want." There was an unbearable silence after that. You sounded so weird! Like a frog! Why would you even say that? He hates you anyway!

"I want to stay." He closed his eyes. Then opened them. "Stay with you..." That sounded... a bit funny. But...it doesn't matter. I can't say no. I can't protest, he'd get angry.

I always make people angry anyway, though. Then there was another silence, that lasted longer. Only the silverware was heard, and cruches from eating the bread. I hate mine slower, tried to control the shakes.

I hate it when it's silent.

I need it to stop! But I can't...even...

His eyes were fixed to the food, but he gave me a hopeful glanced every few minutes or so. I was really... confused why he kept looking at me. Maybe he wanted to talk? I know that feeling... But I'm not speaking. Sorry about that, Len...

"Is it ok if...actually Nevermind." He started a bit happily, but that faded out.

What? Is it because I'm like this? I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry...

Stupid stupid stupid stupid...

"What?" I felt myself blush. Did...he hear? How much did he hear? What does he think of me now? I...Why...Ahh...

"Nothing." It was so quick you couldn't really understand it at first.

"Oh...ok..." He stood and up and gripped all the plates. I kinda inched away as he took mine as well. "Do you wanna watch some TV...?" He asked. Probably an effort to make me happy. Forced.

I waved my hand. He nodded and walked out, to put the plates away.

I wonder how much of a burden it is for Neru. She must have to work hard to help me additionally. Len must be here to support her. And do her work, of course. I feel bad. Maybe I should just be homeless.

But people would look at me. They'd think 'Look at that girl. She's homeless.'

'Stay away from her'

'That's what happens when you don't go to school.'

They're going to look at me weird...

Just crowds of strangers. Every...single...day.

Ha ha. That would be so funny.

...

I stood up. From the wooden chair. Why do I have to be...so uncooperative? This is why everyone doesn't like you Rin.

I bit my lip. Then just went upstairs. The familiar steps that I use everyday...

I went next to the bed, then paused. Every day is the same right? What if I got tired of it all? What would happen? I don't know...

**This is getting worse every chapter. Man...**

**VocalLilly: I'm pretty sure not! But depends on which part.**

**Anonymous: Hmm...yeah...**

**RPR: In the next chapter! :) Sorry about that eheh... I'm like a one POV person only but... I'll do that Len POV!**

**Blaze Takishima: I wanted to do something unique... So... I guess YESS.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I put Len's side :D this might be the only one though...? Dunno.**

**Len POV **

When I first saw her, she looked so jumpy, nervous, and tense. It made me wonder...why? Can I get her to be calmer?

Perhaps it's just me, but I just always feel like I have to help. Or else they're going to die. Probably just me.

I thought I was getting somewhere too...but it seems I'm back to square one.

How long is it going to go on until improvement?

Now... I don't hate her. She looks like she'd be really sweet... I just hate to see someone look so...terrified and lonely.

At least she kinda eats with me. Sometimes. I wonder how she ate before. How much did she eat? It doesn't seem that she's ever cooked either. I wonder...?

I glanced at Rin's room upstairs. I looked at white door the seperated her from me. Would visiting her do any good? Probably not.

Neru first told me about her around two weeks ago. And she also explained that she was leaving somewhere for a month. I offered, because I had nothing else to do. I wanted to help her as well.

I'm...not sure if she likes me that much. That's ok though...She might get comfortable with me...

...Soon.

...Maybe.

I have a break from working today, so I'm just going to watch some TV or whatever. I don't really want to leave her, so I'll just not go out. Maybe when I have to buy food, but I can do that after work. Maybe tomorrow? I have to buy more things, the fridge looks quite empty.

I turned on my phone and went to call a friend.

"Hey Kaito." My favorite blue haired ice cream freak. Ah.

"Oh. Len? Hey!" He seemed confused at first, but sounded pretty happy. "Haven't heard from you in a while? Whatcha doing?" I could practically hear the grin in his voice. He's like a dog. That wags a lot.

"Uh...just watching TV and stuff." Not that I'm actually interested in what's on.

"Hey, wanna come over? I'll treat yah with banana ice cream!" Is Kaito begging? He never gives out ice cream unless he's begging. I'm not sure why. That guy is obsessed and greedy

"Uh...I can't." Which was true. Why would I leave her alone? I HAVE to be with here.

"B-But...!"

"Maybe later..." I sighed. I'm pretty sure he has other friends. Kaito whimpered and I hung up.

When it was somewhere around lunch time, I tried to decided what to eat. What do we have...?

Hmm...

Chicken nuggets.

Let's go with that.

I put them in the oven microwave and waited.

I wonder what she likes to do. I'm pretty sure it's being alone though...so... What? She'd probably ignore me if I did, get worse...

I shuddered at the image of her crying in a corner.

How would I do this...?

Ding.

I took them out and seperated them into two plates. The smell of chicken floated out and I could feel my stomach scream for food. I didn't notice till now.

"Rin?" I called.

I heard a thump, and some steps. She peeked out of the door shyly, and walked down slowly. Her big white ribbon on top of her head bounced up every deliberate step. I smiled at the sight. How cute.

"You should tell me what you want to eat, Rin. I could try get us to eat it more often." I informed her. Neru told me she loved oranges, but she didn't really say anything else. She nodded and looked down at her food.

I feel really awkward right now.

Nibbling the breaded meat, she didn't even take a glance at me, or speak. Of course, well she rarely speaks anyway.

"So Rin..." I started. "Uh...how are you feeling...?" Damn it. I have nothing to say. It's like breakfast again!

"Fine." She whispered. I almost didn't hear her there.

"Um...ok." I wish I could talk to her... "So how close are you with Neru? I'm pretty good friends with her." I partially knew the answer, but eh, doesn't matter.

"Close." Of course she wouldn't speak that long. Of course.

"Oh. Hah. Well I know that." I smiled stiffly. Well that didn't win me any points... "Do you want to..." Watch a TV? Already asked that. "Hang out?" Why would she want to hang out?

"...Um...o-ok..." That's an improvement! My grin grew and I walked upstairs, leading to her room.

"Your room?" You sound like you're going to do something to her, Len. She shrugged and I walked in. It was a messy room, I admit. A bed, a laptop, a table and a mirror cabinet that took up one whole side. Honestly not that best for her to have. I'm pretty sure she hates how she looks like too.

Although, I think she's really pretty. Even if her deep blue eyes were dull, they kind of added to her features. As with that bow. I wonder where she got one like that?

So I sat on the bed and turned on her laptop. She watched from a distance. "Do you wanna come over here?" I asked, immediantly knowing she would say no.

"Mmhm..." She's being very surprising today. I shouldn't ask too much though.

"So..." I started as I struggled with the password. Wish she made a Guest user... But there wouldn't be any so why would she bother?

Hint: Afternoons

Well that didn't really help. She stared at it and I put it on her lap. Then she typed the password.

...damn it, she types fast.

It showed a very clean desktop screen, with a picture of an orange. Haha. That's funny. I took it back and went on the Internet. "What do you usually do?" I asked. She just shrugged. "You probably play a ton of games..." I guessed. She shrugged. Oh Rin. So vague.

"I'll just look at the history-" She gasped and I paused. Or...maybe not. "Let's watch a video."

I let her stay far enough to not touch me and close enough to see it, as I surfed around. Giving up in trying to read her expressions, I settled on anime.

...

...

Neutral response. She just stared it.

"So Rin. You want to see this?" I pointed to the screen. She shrugged. Should I be hard on her or soft? Which will be more effective? "Well...I guess I'll go to something else-" She shook her head. "Haha. Ok."

I guess this is a start. As good as it could get I suppose. I'm just hoping we won't jump back to square one later. Or even now. I'll take the challenge though.

**VocalLilly: Man. I hope not.**

**RPR: I dunno. Soon? I don't want it to be too fast. But I want it to come quickly...I'm so impatient... I just writes fluffs about them to make myself patient...**

** DJdarkmoon: Oh youuuuu. And I'll ask you if I have like a writers block or run out of ideas or something.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry bout that little hiatus...? Or more like break in my usual schedule. Fixed some grammar in chapters**

Watching some videos...it was...kinda...tense. I kept looking back at him to see if he was bored. He would just smile whenever he caught me looking at him.

I kept my eyes glued to the computer sometime after.

"Rin...?" I glanced at him and he hugged me.

...

I felt myself blush and freeze, as he let go. Why does he...I really don't...

Uaghhh...

It made me so uncomfortable, I wanted to dissapear into thin air. I sat there. Why did he do that? "You just looked like you needed a hug..." It was as if he read my mind... Did I look scared? What was it? "Now come here." He pulled me so my head was on his lap.

I didn't... Did he like that? Why don't I know what he's thinking? It's my fault he's here though...

...I bet he doesn't really talk to his friends anymore.

Did I ruin his life...?

I didn't...right?

"Sorry." I mumbled, not exactly sure why I said that. Now it's out. And I'm not explaining.

"Hmm? Why?" Is he acting like he doesn't know. Does he know? Does he?

Why do I have to be so close...? I can't think very well... Ahh...

"Rin?" I sat up and felt his hand touch my side. Stay calm...get out of there... "Rin you didn't do anything. It's fine." He reassured. How would I know? The damage I've done to everyone who meets me...

"...Mm." I looked down. "Oh k-kay.." He smiled and nuzzled me.

"Alright then! Let's watch something else then!" Did he believe me? Or is it all fake.

Every moment I spend with him... What if it was fake?

Just that word fake. It's really...real. To me.

All just nothing...but wasted time... He makes no sense...but then again, no one makes sense. My head hurts. And I don't want to do anything...

I was kind of...getting irritated.

I've been getting more unhappy now, but I wasn't always in the best mood nowadays. Maybe it had to do with Len, or maybe it didn't.

Sitting next to him was weird... Not really uncomfortable now. I felt numb now. My ears blocking out all sounds...

Maybe I'm supposed to panic because I have some important disease and this is a symptom. I'm pretty relaxed though. Just talking about nothing and something at the same thing. My mind feels far off as thoughts pool in, single file. Maybe sometimes there are a few multiple ones, but it's most single file.

If I caught a cold, what would happen? My fever last time had just dissapeared, and I didn't notice. People who never had car sickness don't think about car sickness when their in the car. Most of the time.

Where am I getting at? With all these pointless thoughts that aren't tieing together or doing anything.

Let's think about Len.

I'm not physic. Or a mind reader. Anything could go through his head. It's hard to tell if what they're saying they truly thought about was right. I'm a bit...distrustful when it comes to people.

I don't exactly hate people. I dislike. So it's a bit hard for me to understand people who hate a ton of people, and talk behind their backs. A bit hard for me to understand why someone would want to hurt someone else for looking ugly.

Maybe I've hated a couple of people, but I've forgotten?

I couldn't be very sure.

Len doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would hate others. I'm just judging. I think most, if not all judge people, animals, or anything. Just by what they look like, I could assume he was a nice guy.

What if he was treated badly? There was several possibilities to that. He forgot those memories in self defense, he's ruined in the inside, it doesn't concern him. That's all I can think of.

Maybe he needs affection, so that's why he brought me extra close. And perhaps because he was so comfortable, he fell asleep.

Maybe I was itching to get out, but I didn't want him to wake.

I let him fall back on the bed, and moved away. Shutting off the laptop was a priority, and letting him sleep was another.

It was a bit funny how people sometimes looked different when they slept. The most grumpy person can look like an angel asleep. Funny.

I sat away from him, observing his chest rising and falling. It was captivating.

He sleeps a lot doesn't he? I wonder how tired he gets. Or maybe he has a sleeping problem. Maybe. The scary truth. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what it is.

I wonder if he had dreams? I often don't have them, or just not remember them at all. What was he dreaming about? Oh, the endless possibilities. So overwhelming. I might not want to know, I'm not sure I want to know if it was graphic or not. If it is...

I glanced at the clock next to me, that read 2:00. After 2, time seems to go way faster. I wouldn't seem like it, but it was true most of the times.

Len is either worried about me or not.

I would just say he's an ok guy, right now. Kind of.

**There's some random stuff around middle to end because I became sick, or kept sneezing with stuffy nose.**

**RPR: Umm...ok sure? Well I'll try to put some here.**

**DJdarkmoon: Huh XD**

**VocalLilly: :) Yup**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm SOOO LAZYYYYYYY**

I'm sure he was a bit out of it after. He kept stumbling and nervously glancing at me. I didn't mind it. Just wondered what was up with him.

Some loud music I didn't recognize got me to jump and spill some of my drink. Great... He stopped washing the dishes. "Uh...Rin can you bring my phone?" I stood from the sofa and dashed upstairs.

Should I pick it up and bring it down? Uh...

Oh! It's Neru! "Hey Len?" She was expecting him. Should I talk...? I'm having second thoughts.

"Um..."

"Oh Rin! Are you doing ok?" She seemed surprised. I tugged the hem of my shirt.

"Mm..." I could never lie to people comfortably. Only partly lie. I walked to the start of the stairs. "Do you want to talk to Len?" Isn't that the reason she called?

"Yeah...meh. Ok." I could see Len coming up the stairs. He smiled as he looked up. I'm guessing he's done with the dishes or something?

"You're shirt is wet..." He touched the stain near my stomach. It was just water, and a tiny amount. "You should get a new shirt." I know that already... Why are you telling me that? Wouldn't you think I knew? "Hey Neru. What's up?" He took the phone.

I want to be like others, able to live normally. I feel so weak though. Weak and careless.

"You always say that! Take a break from doing it already! God!" He laughed. I wish I could be like that. I can't even speak that much though. I bet that's how he's like to friends. Not me. I'm not a friend.

No...

I had a lack of fashion sense. It kind of...dulled. With other things. I took a light pink shirt and walked back down, to see Len sitting, watching TV with a lazy grin. He must've felt pretty happy to talk to someone other than me. Well he doesn't really talk to me.

"Hey Rin." Giving me a hug was such an easy thin for him to do. It made me so...uncomfortable though. "Um.." Maybe he expected me to reply? "I wanted to...go to the movies with a...friend. Are you ok? Want to go?" I'm pretty sure he noticed how tense I became at the offer.

I'm all for him not being here. He's been less of a discomfort...but still one. Oh...I didn't mean that...it's not his fault though. I nodded. I hoped he knows which one I said yes to so I don't have to speak.

"Ok! Well uh...I'm going to go call my friend. Right now." He whipped out his phone.

I wasn't at all interested in what he was going to chat about, who he was going to chat to, or how close he was to the person. Didn't concern me.

I sat down and enjoyed my solitude for the while, at least until Len decided to drop by the room. He was upstairs before...

"I'm going to go now." He was more...dressed up. Or whatever. That's what I assume at least. As if I'd even know that. Know anything.

Haha.

...

Um.

"Bye." I muttered. But he was already gone.

...After a few moments of staring at the door, I decided that I should've asked him for some things.

If he...was on a...date... then it would trouble him.

What if he actually did have a date? What if Neru was his girlfriend? No...she would've told me...or not. Maybe she thought I wouldn't care, though. That's why he's taking care of me. For her. Purely for her.

...Ahhh...

I-I have an answer to what they were doing. I shivered as an unpleasant feeling smashed through me. My chest hurt, ached, and I leaned on the wall next to me. It's one thing to guess it, but an entirely new thing to know it. Or maybe just me.

And he was my only...

I stood up and walked up the stairs.

If I closed the room all day, the room would heat up and get humid. Of course, without windows. I just didn't want anyone to hear me. Or to hear them. It was an unsettling thought.

I never liked to open windows. It's like letting a skunk smell inside your room. Well...that's how much I detested leaving the window open.

I once touched a dead person. Or, I mean an unconscious person. Haha. I loved to surprise people, get them in the dark. But they must not like it. So they would hate me.

It was scary, to see their eyes closed and how limp they were. His arms and legs were hanging on the torso loosely as she took him outside.

As for who she was...that was Neru.

Len.

His name was smooth, easy to say, and something I could almost say breathing.

Len Len Len Len Len Len Len.

The...name sounded strange to me now. Is it really pronounced that way? Is it even his name?

I sat up. Oh the window. I'm terrified of it. I wish someone could remove it from my room...but...I'd have to call someone.

They might come face to face with me to talk and get money. And would get angry with how slow I was.

I was sweating now. Perhaps of the heat of the room. Taking short breaths, my chest hurt whenever I breathed too hard.

...Am I going to die?

Die of oxygen loss? Damage due to oxygen deprivation?

Len's not going to care...he's just going to back to his girl...Neru maybe. Probably.

They even matched! Same sunny blonde hair...

My head was hurting.

I-I can hear my heart. It was kinda fast. Too fast. Is something going to happen? A heart attack?

I'm all alone...

With nobody to mourn my death...nobody to find me. Len might.

I was feeling kind of numb. I'm getting a heart attack, I'm sure. I'm sure and I'm going to die. Going to die going to die going to DIE!

Damn it...This is my fault. If I didn't tell Len to go... But he'd feel dissapointed. Dissapoint the girl too. I'd make two people feel dissapointed.

Is my heart quickening?

Shit...

I don't...want...to die. Do I? Do I want to die?

I don't. I do. I...What should I live the last moments of my life like? Maybe I could think of... Things.

Len must be having a great time. I wonder how he'll feel when I'm dead. Probably relieved. I bet. I hope he doesn't get concerned. I don't...

My thoughts are so contradicting sometimes...

**RPR: Yup. **

**VocalLilly: Finally, she at least thinks of him better. **

** Guest: I guess so. Next update is finally here. **

** DJdarkmoon: Maybe your right. Probably.**

** Other Guest: I'm so lazyy :/**


	11. Chapter 11

_I've revised this several times, but this still doesn't look satisfactory. Also I did an UPDATE. WOW._

I tried to breath at a comfortable pace, struggling at how to help myself. I can't go to a hospital. It's not THAT bad...right?

Trying to get air in myself without overdoing it...

As much as I wanted to possibly fast forward the time, I'm quite sure that was pretty much impossible. I don't really get updates of our current technology however, so I'm not 100% sure. That's assuming I would live through this though.

It struck me that how I managed to make time for such thoughts was amusing. It was HILARIOUS. I could laugh right here, right now. I won't panic, just laugh. Screaming seemed like an option for a split second, but I would think it would burden my lungs more than they already were, and I'd also get terrible acute invisible daggers inside my chest. It's not ideal.

"Ahaha..." A strained laugh came out. I could hear my heart beating. I think there was a word for that. Should I be finding out what it means at this moment? What if I die soon? That wouldn't be good, and it would be quite stupid to think about such a thing like that right now cause I should probably be thinking of the meaning of life or my pitiful miserable life-

Calm down.

Calm down calm down calm down calm down...

I took a deep breath. It won't last it won't last calm down calm down...

...

Should I write a will? To who? I'm not even rich. No money. I'd hate for anyone to have to bother going to me funeral. Who would want to do that? It reminds us of the death again. Most people don't like to be reminded of a loss of a person, unless that's just me. Is that just me? What right do I have to voice the thoughts of others?

Shit I'm going to die.

...

I'm going to die. I have a heart failure... Heart attack. Which one? I won't survive. Please...why...

I curled up into a little ball, lightheaded,dizzy and numb, and tried to forget. Forget that I'm going to die. Forget everything...

The panic was far away, not reachable but still there. Just...far away. I had a sudden feeling of rush, I think it was my mind blurring with speed but my thoughts slow. Does that make sense?

I sat down, eyes fixed on the wall blankly.

Time passed by. I'm not sure how much. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure...

Am I dead now? Should I be dead?

I'm not that...knowledgable.

With my hands numb and shaky, I fixed my bow. I guess to see if my hands were still connected to me. Ok...Ok. It all was subsiding, the pain, the numbness, and eventually the fear.

This is what happens when you're all alone Rin. All alone with nobody here to help you. Nobody. No one's going to walk and call that dreadful emergency number to supposedly help you. The only positive thing I can think of is that I'm not surrounded by doctors and nurses.

Oh, and that I'm alive. Haha. I guess that's a good thing too.

I was inanely grinning, and aware that I almost died. How long was I in that state? A few minutes? Hours? It was all a blur to me. In fact, everyday was a blur to me now.

When did Len even come live here? A month ago? Didn't he say Neru would come back in a month? Or was that two months? I slunk back, rubbing my head.

I almost died.

Stop it. Stop thinking about it. I banged my head on the wall a couple times, wincing at each hit. I walked downstairs carefully, trying not to strain myself, to watch TV. My hand was attatched to my chest, checking the heart beat, stressed at each slight change in tempo, or beat.

No no. Concentrate on the TV Rin.

I had a headache and was constantly aware of my breathing. Am I getting enough oxygen? What's wrong?

Shh...relax...

Not that helpful.

I heard the key unlocking the door faintly, and saw Len walk in with a lazy smile. "Riiiinnn." He hugged me close. I tensed and jerked away. Did a quick check up on my heart, which was accelerating slightly faster. I willed it to slow down as he frowned.

Am I going to die right now? I'm not right? At least he's here...right? Was I supposed to be relieved by that?

"Uh...Well then." He cleared his throat awkwardly, eyes on the couch. "I suppose I'll be making dinner." He mumbled.

I hope it's not unhealthy. Maybe I shouldn't eat today.

After my heart THANKFULLY slowed to normal pace, I got to relax a bit. But anytime, any second, any minute, any hour...I could die. I was terrified of each passing second, afraid that I might get a heart attack. Get a chronic disease. Terminal disease. Some unknown infection. An earthquake. Tsunami.

"Oh, hey Rin? Tea?" He peeked out from te kitchen. I nodded. Might be good for the heart.

I don't even...I'm not that knowledgable in those things. Cardio exercises might strain me out. I could eat better though...eat less...no chips...

"Here." He deposited a tea cup next to me and smiled lightly. "I'll call you to eat, ok?" I nodded slightly and he left.

Sipping on the tea, I felt sick. I had a headache. Am I not used to caffeine? When was the last time I drank something with caffeine in it?

Now don't strain yourself...

What if...

...

It was serious?... And something is happening to me and if I don't get to the ER as fast as possible, it will be sure death?

I shuddered.

"Rin? Are you cold?" He rubbed my shoulder. My eyes closed.

"No...it's fine..." I rested my head on the arm of the couch. Surely sleep helps my heart. "I'll be sleeping now." I smiled half heartedly. He nodded slowly.

"Oh uh...yeah." He scratched the back of his head. Then walked off.

Why did you even smile Rin? Stupid stupid Rin...

I think I should stay in my room.

But what if I...pass out?

...

Len would probably find me. Dead. People die of heat attacks, I believe? I'm not sure what the symptoms are though. I think I knew before, but now... Are they really what I think they are? Are heart attacks are a disease? I think...

My mind is lost. It's cluttered. I can't find anything I want to know. I just want to know...maybe the computer would help?

...re...relying on that computer for information will not benefit. In fact, I bet I'll be at more risk of having an attack! More! Much much more!

Where does that leave the TV?

Also a risk to my fragile life supporting lump of tissue.

The screen immanently switched into a black reflecting glass. I could see myself, barely.

Len's gone.

Relief suddenly flooded through me, as well as a dull throb of terror.

If I pass out now, he probably won't be down in time to reach me alive. He'd reach me dead.

Man I keep thinking about that...thinking like that... And it's going to happen huh? I am NOT going to let that happen.

I glanced at the stairs.

...Some things are worse than death.

_What if I made her die? :)_

_Mirimo27: Oh Len. You shouldn't leave Rin to die. :P But I guess he wouldn't have any idea haha...unless he's actually hiding in her room._

_Guest: I can't believe how confusing Rin is. And Len might be with someone... Special... Haha..._

_BloodyCrystal56: Oh boy. That's a pretty nice long review you gave there. Thanks I guess. And I'm pretty sure this wasn't soon so uh...sorry!_

_VocalLilly: Haha XD. You don't get it?_

_DJDarkMoon: I'm so cruel. Lol_


	12. Late at Night

He was probably just going to be in his room and do whatever stuff he does. It doesn't really matter to me, but that means I have no reason to stay down here.

I could stay in my room too. A possibility.

...

Isn't the living room more...colder?

...

I stood up and steadily walking upstairs.

Back to being in my room. Alone.

I once had a dream that I was friend with these two people. A boy and a girl.

Of course, that was a dream.

How was I able to talk to them so easily? Is it because they were fake? Illusions? Or was that the person that I wished to be? But it wasn't me...

I glanced at the computer next to me. I only ever use two rooms really, my room and the bathroom. Maybe the kitchen once in the while. Neru goes there. So once in a while I might tag along and...

...

I saw him step out of his room and decided to ask him something. You know. Improve my social skills.

He glanced at me before going to the bathroom. My lips were sealed shut, and I couldn't find the energy to move them.

...

'When are you leaving?'

It was prepared to come out of my mouth. I couldn't say it though. I stood there like an idiot, seeing him walk across me again. He frowned at my expectant, desperate eyes.

"Uh...Hey...What are you doing?"

"I...N-Nothing." I bolted inside my room and felt myself flush heavily.

That was terrible... I...really need to get better at talking to people. For some reason I couldn't talk to him today.

...

Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow...

But...would it make him think I was being rude? That I wanted him to leave? He's not being mean...right? I stared at the door a bit more before opening my labtop.

I could barely talk to people online. They were real people and they were intimidating.

...

It doesn't matter anyway. Haha. But...

...

Strangely, whenever I go into the kitchen, and sit in a corner, I think of doing drugs. Like I'm smoking something. It feels like a place to smoke.

Not that I smoke.

Not that I have weird thoughts.

Besides, smoking might give me another heart attack. Or more problems.

Shit, I'm thinking about it again... And I was doing so good...

Uh...

I-I really don't want to die...

...

So, I proceeded to turn on the computer.

It's funny how boring my life was. I'm pretty sure I've thought about this multiple times, because it was true.

It's funny how I only go on the computer. How I just go down to eat. I rarely go down to watch TV. Why is that thing even there?

Len hasn't changed my life much, overall. Nothing outstanding. Len just made me watch TV more, and eat downstairs more.

Nothing outstanding.

After maybe an hour of struggling with something fun to do, I decided I should sleep.

Sleep.

I crawled inside my bed, and closed my eyes.

...

Any minute now.

...

I'm really stupid.

That word is so overused because I am so dumb.

Dumb dumb dumb.

Why can't I be a normal person?

Do I even want to be a normal person?

How does it feel like? To be social, happy, and all that.

...Although they might also be a little sad, angry, hate their life. I'd rather get their life than mine.

But do I want them to be miserable?

...

N-Not really...

...

I wonder how perfect Len's life is. Is it? I don't know. Because...I would want to have his life.

Maybe Neru's too. Ahaha. Ha.

I'm so funny.

Ha. Ha.

...

...

Oh god it's been three hours already. Am I becoming an insomniac? No. Yes. Heart problems come with insomnia. Oh man I hope not. No I don't have insomnia. Nope. I just have a hard time sleeping today. Yup.

...

I should really listen to something. Where's my iPod?

I forced myself to get out of the comfort of my bed.

Then I went down to...I don't know.

Just standing there.

At the top of the stairs.

In the dark.

I was supposed to get my iPod.

But.

I didn't.

...

Probably a good place to have a heart attack as well.

I heard a door creak open and unfortunately, my pulse began to race.

Shoot. Is that Len?

Is he going to get angry?

W-Why is he still awake?

Are normal people still awake at this time?

Wait, do I sleep too early?

I walked to my room slowly, so he wouldn't hear. Then I felt him bump into me.

"Rin?"

I just stood there. Like an idiot.

Idiot idiot idiot oh god what am I doing...

I took a quick noisy inhale and tried to stop my shakes.

He thinks I'm weird and why am I awake at this time? I mean, I think he would ask that because I am stupid stupid idiot idiot damn it damnit damnit SAY SOMETHING!

.

.

.

.

.

This story is dwindling down to worse quality then it was before. Oh no!

(**ALSO UM I WAS EMBARRASSED BY THIS SO THAT'S WHY IT TOOK SO LONG TO POST.(Was done weeks and weeks ago) SO IT'S HERE NOW.**

Mirimo27: He'd have to find out right? Hm. I think Rin is pretty secretive though.

Mitsu: I'll try to update more! Maybe she will die, maybe she won't die. :P

RPR: Neru is going to kill Len if that ever happened. And a sign? Hmm

lilly the fangirl: Romance is a long way off! :( Depressing huh? You might get bored waiting.

Angel: Uhhh I am going through what's called...facing reality. Or being a real pessimist :/ I just want to delete this story because it is so SO bad. I just want to redo the whole thing! Or not do it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Back from some kind of hiatus! Hooray! I'm going to try upload the second chapter someday. :) But you'd prefer today, right?**

**Man Rin thinks so much.**

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Hi."

Damn it I whispered.

"_Hi_!"

Loud and forceful.

And awkward.

There was this thick heavy silence after that. I could see him, just barely, and he was frowning at me. Puzzled.

"What are you doing...?"

I bit my lip and fiddled with the hem of my shirt. What a nice shirt. Aha. ha.

He took a step to me, and I took a step back. He stayed still after that and I felt guilt rack up.

"I am-"

Whispering again.

"I AM-"

Oh god.

Oh no. Why is this happening to me? He's looking at me weird and he thinks I'm being really freaky.

He must think I'm gross because I am so sweaty, oh man I am sweating like a shower.

I'm exposed. I'm naked under his eyes. And it wasn't the most pleasant feeling I've ever had. I tried to imagine myself in another world, another place.

My room.

I'm in my room...surfing the internet...

Oh god. I can't think under his questioning gaze.

But I just saw him trying to comprehend my actions, guess my thoughts, and try to understand my overall. Maybe I should help him. But I couldn't feel the encouragement to try. To speak. The words just vanished. I quit. I give up.

"...So..." He started, probably trying to help me with my speaking disabilities. "Are you sleepy?"

I shook my head.

"Alright... You should try sleep..."

I hate myself.

I hate myself for being irritated. He was trying to be concerned for me.

I nodded and scampered into my room.

I really want him to leave. I... He...

Len must...could...might be a great guy. Girls must love him and guys must admire him. How I wish I was like him. Or Neru.

Neru...

When I think... of her... I think of her smiling. And laughing. And hanging out with many friends. She must be incredibly social. She wouldn't understand how I felt.

Neru is so... it hurts. It hurts to think about her. So I don't.

I sat on my bed, slowly trying to cool off. Oh god it's like I have a fever or something man!

Heart attack...

I could have a heart attack any moment. Right now.

Tomorrow. In an hour. A minute.

I need to move.

Move move move.

...

And for a reason unknown, I found myself walking to the door.

The dark is quite...scary. A common fear that I, in fact, have. I hate the dark. It makes me think of certain unneeded thoughts. I wish I didn't think of all that.

I wish I didn't think of how I should be in love with someone. Have a crush.

I could see the attributes I like in them, and pretend I am in love with them.

And maybe I can pretend that all that blushing and stuttering is because I'm in love with them.

I like to think about the times I find attractive people...friendly. And talkable. Easy to talk to.

...heh.

Not really.

Do I think Len is attractive? Is he hot?

As with the blonde hair and blue eyes... I guess so. I don't know.

He certainly wouldn't find me pretty, though. Or cute.

...

Hmm...

Len...

I have mixed feelings about him.

I have mixed feelings about everyone.

After all, it's not possible to be utterly in love with another. Right?

Even though you try not to, you may find yourself in love with another person. More in love than the person you are involved with. But that's just chemistry. Maybe something brief. Out of passion. Or not. I'm not that acquainted with love. It's a foreign concept to me.

I've been in love. Once. It was a small puppy love, when I was very young. Now I look back, reminiscing the much more happier days and I want it all back. It's selfish, though.

And I think, I'm just one of those kids that are bitter about love.

Hmm...

Closed my eyes.

...

I closed my eyes and I willed myself to sleep. Dr. Len specifically ordered me to do so. What's his last name?

...

I don't know. He's a stranger to me. Did I never know? My memory is decreasing at a fast rate.

Heart attack.

...

I...Guess I should try to sleep now.

But I waste so much time sleeping...

What could I possibly do that is productive during this time? Read a book? What would I gain?

Neru.

Neru please.

Please get him out.

Out out out out.

When is she coming back?

Neru.

I need her back. I need her to kick him out. I need her to not try to force people inside my house. I don't need the pity.

"I hate this." I whispered, my voice cracked and raspy. It sounded unnatural, as if it belonged to someone who wasn't made to speak.

I wish for many things. I wish for the most and the least, trying hard to set my expectations low. Trying to believe high self esteem encouragement.

I really want to eat. Len should go down and-

...

Now the problem is...that I used the word 'should'. Is it a problem? What does it even mean?

What should be happening is that I should get my own food MYSELF. And depending on MYSELF. I can't get too clingy now.

Len is so hot.

See, that statement, sorry, that OPINION was very bold. It's something that I would never say, and if I ever would, I wouldn't phrase it like that. I'd say...that... He is a very good looking guy.

Yes.

I am not afraid to admit he is good looking.

Not at all.

I bet he gets compliments everyday. I bet he's swarmed with girls that just-just shower him with affection and love. He probably doesn't need ME to tell him how attractive he is.

In fact, I will...I will tell him that tomorrow.

...it...I WILL tell him. I WILL.

Then again, it's easier to say it than do it.

And when I slept, I dreamed of being friends with Len.

.

.

.

.

**Mitsu: I feel like you're dissapointed she didn't die. :/**

**Guest: I'll try to continue this :) And Rin needs to take a break from worrying... Geez.**

**Angel: URK...I tried to add romance but...uh... I couldn't. Darn. I think...you are really nice. Um. And I am waiting too. I am waiting for when she goes out that door, especially.**


End file.
